Last time I was in the shower the bar soap fell, and I tried to find it first with my feet, and then kneeling down with my hands, but to no avail. Finally I resigned myself to have a soapless shower and just instantly something landed on my left toes, it was the bar soap.
I thought that was a very good picture of what happens in my life too, how when I am in need of things first I have to let go of the selfish desires that go along with it, and just then and only then the wish comes true.
It is easier said than done too, for many years I am spending trying to ask for some things without being attached to the result, and yet, it does not work, the matter is that even if one wishes to be desattached, one usually is not....it is more likely that God gives at some point the gift of desattachment, the gift of being able to rest in His hand on that issue, and to let go of any wants in that, and it follows that after God gives me that gift, the very thing for which I was asking before comes right to my life, instantly, just like the bar soap. Sometimes it happens too that God is waiting for me to obey Him in something, and when I do, then He rewards with this gift of desattachment and peace in my heart.
This Christmas He has given me one of the long waited wishes, a marriage in love. I was struggling for a while, to see love in me for my husband and vice-versa. God finally let me ask for some thyroid medications, and things started to change drastically, I was no longer in a sullen mood, and my husband's melancholic disposition seemed most and most admirable. I was reminded of how you pair children of the same temperament for short periods of time in order to bring an effort of the temperaments to balance and not go to the extremes...it is a hard job and this is why you just do it for short periods of time...usually children ( and people) gather together naturally in temperamemnts that are not alike ( because they complement each other). Well, how grateful I was that I was given a break in balancing my temperament with my husband, now I could be as choleric as I could for a while and admire/need his low key temperament... I do not know how long it will last but surely I am enjoying this second honey-moon, reminiscing all the things and feelings of the past and having them alive again in my heart.
I was some time ago immersed in reading books about marriage and relationships, and after what happened to me I have to reconsider some of the things taught in them, I think now that many of these books are smart, yet not wise. Wisdom in relationships comes from another source and I am not yet able to describe it. It seemed also that seeing examples of happy marriages around me, and the reading of many good personal articles in the Family Life magazines, have helped me to gain a perspective in things. One of the things I read was about some people who have a double face, they seem so kind to strangers yet they are horrid at home. I pondered and asked myself if that would be true for me too, and discovered that there might have been. Maybe my selfish desires to be loved, made me be a people pleaser and an ogre at home...I have come to the place where I want foremost to honor and help my husband, because if I cannot do both at the same time, that means God's love is not in me.
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