Yielding

This drawing of Amy Carmichael was donated last year for a silent auction in town, she was famous for saving Indian children, especially girls, from being orphaned and from working as priestess in their temples. The drawing for me had a meaning also of redemption, for the children that I was miscarrying and from my longing to carry to term.

When were students, my friend Nuria and I used to fantasize about the number of children we would have. Besides the culture around us, which advocated children and family as a burden, we knew firmly that our call was to be in a big family. For her that meant 6 children, and for me I always had thought that it would be 4. Years went by, and after some time we met again. She had two children alive and miscarried three times at around six months of the pregnancy, and I had three children and miscarried many very early babies. She was dressed in black, and confessed to me being very depressed, at which I asked her if she believed in God. She acknowledged that she had lost faith in God, for various reasons and suddenly I felt my mouth speaking these words to her: " Well, Nuria, I know that God is all powerful, and if it is his will to give you a baby this next month that will not miscarry, you may have to believe again in God." We parted that day and nine months later, we met again. She had a newborn baby in her arms, she said to me, "I have been thinking about you all this time, we decided to call the baby Maria, how did you know I would have a baby, that same month you spoke of? I replied, "I did not know, I gave up your pleading to God, do you believe in Him now? She answered " No." But I knew that God was working in her life.

As for me, it has been quite a journey. If you had looked my diary when first married, you would have seen two main themes, understanding God and having babies. It seemed like an obsession at times, and my three children were conceived after 3, 6, and 9 months of frustrated trials respectively. Every time that a conception would come to term I would ponder about what did make it happen that time, and it always seemed that there was a letting go of the desire of having children, for the miracle to occur, the first time I relinquished my desire but asked for a child for the sake of my husband, the other time for the sake of my daughter, so she would not be an only child, the third time for the sake of my husband again, so he would have an herr....but after that God had me waiting not 3, 6 or 9 months, but 36 months and still counting.

During this time I have experienced many feelings, from despair to sorrow for the souls of children lost, from anger to God to awe of His wisdom, from constant anxiety to complete peace. I thought I knew what worked previosuly, so I set myself to let go of the desire again, but everybody who has experienced this knows that it does not work this way, the desire does not go away by your wanting it to go away, this is just putting another desire on top of your desire, it is something more misterious that happens in order to let go of the desires...so I prayed, I prayed that God would take the longing for children away, but it did not happen.

I thought then to use the longing for a good cause, and started to take care of other people's children at home, during two years, but it did not work, my family suffered and my heart intentions needed to be purified.

I tried everything I could, medically and otherwise, but I was tiptoeing on eggshells every month, trying not to lift weight, not to eat this or that, not to think this or that...it was a nightmare, and then at the end I would feel guilty over any supposed mistake I had done, maybe I should not have carried the heavy bags, maybe I should not eaten spices, maybe I should not have had doubting thoughts, etc,...

The symphathy for early miscarriages is also low, people do not understand the grieving when it is not obvious at the sight, plus some people do not even consider that a soul is in the baby in the beginning, so, they say, why you mourn?

But God has so much infinite wisdom, he had read my diaries, every word of them, he knew what was my weak point and waited til the right time to put that leverage on my soul, to make me yield to his power, to bring me powerless, with no control over the things I cherished most, ( it is usually the lost of our lives or the lives of other loved ones that bring this feeling of complete surrender to God), to cut my prideful branch, and bring to my knees all my sufferings, it is in Him that I find peace. Finally this last cycle, I was able to respond to my husband when he said he was sorry for me: "It is God's will.", with an honest peaceful heart, and yielding ever more to God's ways I am rejoicing in my loss, because he is teaching me and bringing me to his hands.